Ye Olde Scroll of Johnathan

This is a space dedicated to archiving my friend's weird and amazing John Oliver quote collection. If you have something to submit, don't. I have no way to receive submissions. If you find a way I will be incredibly impressed and so I'll probably add whatever quote you have.

"When you have a system where judges are serenaded with banjos, shake down lawyers for money, compare themselves to prostitutes, and live in constant fear of tractors, you have a problem." - Elected Judges 12:30

"If you take all the doctors out of a hospital and replace them with otters, that's no longer a hospital. It's better--it's much better--but it's not a hospital." - Civil Forfeiture 13:30

"As for the potentially tens of billions of dollars: no. We committed three billion dollars. You can't just inflate three to potentially tens. I can't say that you have had potentially tens of failed marriages; I can only say you've had three. Because you have." - Paris Agreement 10:00

"Saying something is FDA cleared is in no way proof that a device actually works. It's a phrase that can promise way more than it delivers, like when a cereal describes itself as 'part of a complete breakfast'. That doesn't really mean anything. Anything can technically be part of a complete breakfast. If you ingest it alongside oatmeal, yogurt, granola, fruit salad, and a glass of orange juice, heroin is a part of a complete breakfast." - Medical Devices 5:50

"The confederacy: America's tracksuit sex offender." - Confederacy 1:50

"Okay, so that argument is taking these statues down obliterates history, which is clearly just ridiculous. First, monuments are not how we record history; books are. Museums are. Ken Burns' 12 part mini-series are. Statues are how we glorify people." - Confederacy - 16:00

"I'll tell you where it stops: somewhere! Anytime someone asks 'where does it stop?', the answer is always fucking somewhere! You might let your kid have Twizzlers, but not inject black tar heroin. You don't just go 'well, after the Twizzlers, where does it stop?'. And the same is true of confederate monuments. - Confederacy 16:40

[In response to a poll saying one in four Americans is skeptical of climate change] "Who gives a shit? That doesn't matter. You don't need people's opinions on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking 'which number is bigger: 15 or 5?', or 'do owls exist?', or 'are there hats?'." - Climate Change Debate 1:10

"The only accurate way to report that one out of four Americans are skeptical of global warming is to say 'a poll finds that one out of four Americans are wrong about something'." - Climate Change Debate 1:50

"I do not like that man Ted Cruz. I do not like his far-right views. I do not like his stupid chin; I do not like his smarmy grin. I do not like him with a beard; I do not like him freshly sheared. I do not like Ted Cruz at all; that man Ted Cruz can suck my balls." - Fillibuster 11:50

"I do not like that man Ted Cruz. I do not like him in the news. I do not like what he just said; I do not like his boxy head. I do not like him wearing glasses; I do not like him kissing asses. I wish he'd never get one vote; that man Ted Cruz can lick my scrote." - Legal Immigration 1:20

"Okay Mitch, you really don't have to tell me to think of you as the Grim Reaper. It's like if Donald Trump said 'think of me as a bunch of trash bags from a cracker barrel dumpster brought to life by an ancient curse when a clown fucked a car alarm'. I'm way ahead of you there, buddy. I already think of you that way." - Filibuster 13:40

"You can be wearing Crocs with socks, but if you're using those socked Crocs to kick Hitler in the balls, you know what? I'm suddenly not so fucking focused on the footwear." - The Trump presidency 7:10

"The amazing thing is, just because Guam residents aren't allowed to vote for president, doesn't mean they don't. Guam holds a straw poll every presidential election, and their registered voter turnout is actually higher than the rest of America. And to misquote the words of the great philosopher Lil John, turn out for what?" *spastic dancing as 'Turn Down for What' plays* - U.S. Territories 6:30

"Taco Bell: better than being executed or dying in prison! Although, when you think about it, is it? Is it definitely?" - Prosecutors 15:30

"The truth is, like the Cheescake Factory, prosecutors have the ability to ruin lives in a second." - Prosecutors 19:10

(Trump: "I don't know if it's a blind trust if Ivanka, Don, and Eric run it. Is it a blind trust? I don't know.") "No! That is not a blind trust; it's the opposite of one! Almost anything else you could have said would have been closer to a blind trust. 'Oh, I'm gonna put my assets in an upside-down dog house filled with pudding. Is that a blind trust?' No, that's ridiculous, but you're actually closer than you were before." - Scandals 15:00

"That lack of imagination is not particularly inspiring, but also, not particularly surprising coming from Joe Biden, who is truly the getting-shot-in-the-leg-instead-of-the-heart candidate right now." - Police 24:20

"Why would anyone in the 80s take Herbalife to lose weight? They had cocaine! Come to think of it, we also have cocaine. The point is, cocaine is an effective weight loss option." - Multilevel Marketing 10:10

"Why would anyone be ashamed to be called anti-fish? Fish are stupid. And how do I know that? look at them!" - Vaccines 10:10

"If a handful of Canadians tricking an evicted child millionaire with undisclosed ricotta isn't a life-changing thing, I guess I don't know what is anymore." - Rehab 8:20

"I'll take unpredictable Danish puppet farts any day." - John Dillermand 4:05

"The beach doesn't cure anything except you being comfortable." - Conspiracy Theories 9:43